So inspiring are the clear night skies here in Trinity East, and so flattered am I by Martha’s kind words surrounding my stargazing skillz that I have decided to take it to the next level with weekly horoscopes. I sincerely hope they can help you find clarity in my little blurbs and, fear not, they are based on years of study and a great deal of scientific fact. Please take a moment and enjoy, and if you find they are even mildly accurate, let me know.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 20): Once, when you were trying to find a good lunch restaurant on an overcast day (you were wearing your spring coat), a man was taking a picture of his wife in front of a statue. Your face, lips slightly pursed, accidentally made its way into this special photo. Now, three years later, your face is still on their mantle, peering through the glass at a family you’ve never met. Once in a while, the bearded man, a wonderful cyclist and downhill skier, looks at your mysterious face and ponders how different his life could have been.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19): You know what I’m going to say to you, Aquarius. You’ve got that block of cheese (we both know what that is a metaphor for) and that deep pond (hint hint) waiting for you back at the location you’re thinking about right now. My one piece of advice for you: just go for it. Or don’t.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20): Remember that cookbook you had when you were a kid? It had things like grilled cheese sandwiches and cheesy pasta in it – all the easy things kids can make and no normal human needs a recipe for. But there was that one special recipe, perhaps pancakes or cookies, the page so covered in batter and flour that the book naturally flips there now. You’ve long since lost that book, but know this: some kid, equally terrible at cooking, inherited your cookbook via yard sale and hates that recipe. They think your taste in food is nasty. Screw them, the punks. They can’t even reach the plates.
Aries (March 21-April 20): Have you ever seen llamas copulating, Aries? Picture long haired, long-necked adults in desperate need of orthodontic work, crouched on all fours and able to communicate only through guttural shouts and whacks to the jaw. It is alarmingly violent. What do you do in this situation, Aries? You let nature take its course. It is usually right.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21): Do you like dark chocolate? I do. I love the stuff. I think about it all the freaking time. And one time, I was swimming, and I was thinking so much about dark chocolate that I realized I’d been swimming for a really long time and didn’t know where I was anymore. And then a mermaid grabbed my cankles and pulled me under the water and told me I was their queen. Naturally, I put their coral crown on my head and smiled and knew I had found my place in the world. Sometimes, Taurus, you need to lose yourself to find yourself.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21): There is a patch of forest in Northern Ireland that, some say, is the home of a pack of wild and beautiful elves. If, let’s say, you got lost on your vacation and stumbled across a horde of them dancing, do you think they would stop to say hello to you? If your answer is yes, you are going to gain some money very soon. If your answer is no, read this story again and change your answer to yes. In life, always let your answer be yes.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23): You are out for a walk and you stumble across this really hip dog, off his leash, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth so casually, so genuinely. His fur makes it look as though he is wearing tan skinny jeans and a V-neck. You find yourself jealous of this cool k-nine and you’re not sure why. He doesn’t even know how cool he is, and he occupies his time napping, eating, and dreaming of bitches. But, as you contemplate how you can look that cool drooling, remember this: dogs eat their own shit.
Leo (July 24 – August 23): You are sitting at a long table. Across from you is your mother’s best friend from high school looking like a total babe. She begins rapping the lyrics to Yellow Submarine and you find your head bobbing and your foot tapping. You think, is this a dream? It is. But if you eat the grapes that are lying on the table, you stay here forever. What are you going to do?
Virgo (August 24 – September 23): Somewhere in the world there is a Reese’s peanut butter cup with a bit of magic in it. I don’t know who put it there, but I hope you find it. How will you know? You just will. You’ve always had a knack for feeling where the magic is, Virgo: that’s why I like you.
Libra (September 24 – October 23): The Lion King taught us that stars are the faces of past Kings, not big balls of gas burning billions of miles away. The sky is actually a history of feline patriarchy from the dawn of time to the present, and, with that in mind, note that the sixth Kitty King is passing by Jupiter at this very moment. That means you are going to floss your teeth and find life’s answers buried deep in your tender gums. The answers usually are in the last place you’d think of looking for them.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22): Once upon a time, there was a monk in a tower who looked out his window every morning and every night and wondered what life would be like if he’d majored in Math. You are that monk, Scorpio. It may not be math, but there’s something in your life that keeps you gazing out that proverbial window. Monks are pretty cool about getting over stuff though, so that’s good. Cause you’re like that too.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22): Paul Dirac once said, “Pick a flower on Earth and you move the farthest star.” You do not know the repercussions of your actions, Sagittarius, but I do. Yesterday, you bought something small. It was spontaneous, your purchase, but as a direct result, Lisa Flanagan got an A+++ on a chemistry test and the subsequent confidence inspired her to apply to Harvard (she’s going to get in), and the links of a chain fence down the street broke, releasing Peanut, the golden retriever, on a mad dash of uninhibited joy towards the neighbour’s beagle. He’d never felt so free. So thank you, Sagittarius. You truly are a visionary.